Coming Out

I'm back home from the Christmas holiday and don't have the energy to do much and don't quite want to go to bed yet, so I'll spill my guts.

I said I had big news, and boy, do I. I now have a significant other. That is not a cat. It's a person you know through my blog. Someone who EVERYONE would guess and suggest, but never in a million (OK, 14) years would WE have guessed and suggested.

It's M, the guy who's been helping me with my house. Yeah, like I said, maybe everyone else could see it coming for a million miles or years, but we did not. Really truly. People don't believe that, but it's true. T-R-U-E. Though, it doesn't matter one bit if noone believes us, even my ex.

Because, you see, it's one of those things that makes you start to think the love songs all make sense. That feels comfortable despite the tremendous terrified feeling that existed right before the switch happened from friend to significant other. That allows the change to happen as it will, with understanding and compassion and trust and love and humor, with the lessening-in-frequency pauses to say 'this is odd, odd, odd'. That you CAN have it all in relationship - friendship, love, sex, humor, respect, and more.

It happened in J-tree. I didn't trust it at first. Well, yes and no. It was going to be 'just a CA thing.' But then we talked a lot when he was still away. We talked a lot when he got back. He walked in my door the first time after CA and we looked at each other and said 'this is weird'. But, ya know, it's well worth the terror and adjustment and fear. It's well worth possibly losing any sort of relationship with my ex, forever (he was not happy, to say the least). It's well worth the adjustment of how I saw my life folding out in front of me.

But there are still moments of fear. Like just now when I went to write his age, I realized that I am much more comfortable writing that he's 12 years older than me than that he is 55 (!!!). So, before writing that sentence, I called him up and told him that. Because that's what we do. Some quotable quotes: "Age is just a number, but it's much more than that." "I can't believe I'm that fucking old." "It's a low number when talking about the speed limit, but otherwise, not so much." "I don't think of you as any younger than me." That last one, maybe not so quotable, but I forgive him - I understood the concept.

No, he's never been married. But engaged twice(ish). And part of the reason he never married is that it never felt right. He wanted it all. And had given up hope that it would arrive. And, suddenly, I appear. So, he's quite mushy about it all, and all his friends all over the world want to meet me (OK, well at least 3 in the US). He's self aware and has learned all the necessary communication skills for being with a woman (#1 - patience... :-) )

And just so you don't think it's all roses and lollipops, again, it's been requiring an adjustment because I thought I'd marry a younger guy and have a family, etc. And I know his quirks and annoyances already and he knows mine and we don't keep quiet about our opinions of them.

But I took him home for the holidays, and he not only endured, but also enjoyed. And liked and was liked. So, likely CA will greet us together in late spring.

(so, cynics, ha on you. you can indeed have it all. it may take longer than you want. there may be way too much pain to get you to the point. but if you stay open to the possibilities and are willing to take terrifying leaps, great things CAN happen. you can also get run over by a truck, but neither one is possible without the leap.)

some craziness for you

Dream

So, I'm visiting my brother and in the dream he lives in a high building with office building type windows (flat, not openable, or so I thought). I was near the window and I realize it opens. And I'm hanging onto the sill, which is very narrow, and realize the building is leaning, and thus there is a possibility that I might fall out / I get vertigo. So I'm freaking out, can't move, even though my brother is trying to get me to move. But I'm freaked.

And then the building starts bending over like it's a straw, and I tell my brother to hang on, and I see somehow another place in the building getting upended. And the building comes back up straight and I realized that it was a dream and I made the building bend over and come back up to see that I could survive this really horrible thing, so I felt perfectly comfortable letting go of the window and stepping away from it.

Hmm... can you tell there's stuff going on in my life? Which I will indeed share, before the end of the year. It's another reason I'm not writing as much. But I think of you all and hope you are well.

Snow blast!

good retort

As I came in the morning, the two door guys were there. Somehow we got to the topic of scary movies (I know the somehow, but it's really not all that interesting). The one guy (older one) starts going off how he loves the Chucky movies and Freddy Kruger movies and even the Saw movies. I couldn't believe it. The other guy liked them too! I said 'I've lost all respect for you two.' Retort from younger guy: Go ahead. They're just movies. Damn. Can't mess with him.

Bell ringing - Salvation Army

I should be working, but had to share. I volunteered to stand out side and be a Salvation Army person this weekend. Only for 1 hour. Ringing the bell. Although I drove myself nuts with the sound of the bell, it was a neat experience. I felt a little crazy when I first started, in part because noone was around. And I stood there ringing. Eventually people walked by, since I was next to a UPS store. I tried to just smile - not be aggressive, since 'tis not the season to be aggressive.

Slowly people started going by and dropping money in. The best experience was always when a parent got a kid to put money in. One kid (2 yo?) put it in and was fascinated by my ringing. When she came out of the store I let her ring my second small bell. She stood there holding it and ringing and was so cute. And let me tell you, child labor rocks! Several people who were nearby gave BILLS (including I think a $10 bill) while she stood there. It was an unexpected benefit from the experience - I had only intended to make the child happy.

Lesson learned from the day: I will never pass by a bell ringer again without giving money. Though I may critique their form.

Friday feelings

(taken from WFMU home page)

Finally figured it out

I haven't been blogging because I haven't felt like it. I couldn't figure out why I didn't feel like it, but it seems to have surfaced.

My initial point of doing this blog was vomit up all the shit I was going through, anonymously. It was 'safe'. I also wanted to feel like I had more friends/people I knew because it felt like my personal life was falling apart (which it was) and I was 'losing' friends left and right. And it worked.

And then things happened. Facebook became a part of my life, and I friended some of you, so lines started blurring. And I met one of you in person. And those that didn't have that access to my 'real' life, well, I got to the point where I was blogging for you.

And who are 'you'? I don't really know you. I know what I read, but that's not always the truth, no matter how much I'd like to think it is. The possibility that you will be an 'in person' friend is pretty damn slim. I can count on you virtually, but can't be guaranteed to count on you in person.

And my real in person friends who read this, well, the blog lets them know about my life, but reduces the real interaction I have with them, and what I know about their lives. Which is a negative.

So, as life continues to get better for me, I get scared that some of you know who I really am and could have power over me. And those who don't really know who I am, well, you know me in depth, and some of you I know in depth too, but you could disappear at any time, and I'm left in the dust. And my real friends will slowly get less close because of the blog.

And you know what? All of this is at it is. I will choose to accept the good, bad, ugly, scary. I continue on because I want to, and not because of you, though your reading this does keep me going, and does mean something to me. I appreciate your comments and support greatly, and hope I will continue to know you. I want to keep up with you but I can't feel bad if I can't, because I have to have my primary focus be my 'real' life and if life is crazy, that's what's number 1. My December is crazy, and I'm taking too much time writing this, but it's important to me, and needed to get it out. And I will try better to keep up with my real friends.

It's a product of me adapting to this new society, where virtual friendships are a way of life for some. I thought I was OK with it all, but retreated into my shell for a little bit. Hopefully I'll start plodding along again.

small thought

My pulse beats on my wrist as I hold my head in my hands, reminding me that life goes on.

[let me note though it may sound like it from the above, I am not depressed]

Sara Petite

From my trip to J-tree, went to Pappy and Harriet's. She was playing.
Go to the website, and the first song that plays (Shouldn't be Doing This) is my favorite. She was playing it when we walked in, and it felt really familiar like I had heard it before. Maybe I've just felt this way before.

Another short one

Went out to a movie with a woman I'm trying to make friends with. Was fun.

I visited my cousin in Los Angeles. Haven't seen her in years and years. Before even I was married. But she's great and so is her husband.

Turns out she's a mirror of me.
- depressed in the past
- became irritable too
- marriage was on the rocks
- got medication - exact same medication
- waking up at 4 am every morning

Big differences:
- she and her husband realized they really belonged together and have been working to make it work
- she doesn't have as good a psychiatrist, and thus is still on an antidepressant, but also on a sleeping pill because of the 4 am waking (she's making an appointment to tell her psych what my info is)

It was so validating. Amazing how similar. It does run in the family.

Vacation

Here are a few photos. I got sick on the way home yesterday and spent most of the day in bed. Hope everyone is well.

Where there's smoke, there's turkey cooking.


Lemons I picked from my cousin's lemon tree.


J-tree sunset


The start of a climb

"POW!", "BAM!", "ZONK!"

What's happening to me right now made me think of the TV series Batman (the one with Adam West). "POW!", "BAM!", "ZONK!" As in it's punches, but whatever, it won't kill me.

- My furnace inspector found a crack in the furnace (and I felt it). I will need a new furnace. As my air conditioning is also old and crap, I'll need to replace both at one time. Supposedly if I buy certain types, I'll get $1,500 tax credit and up to $2,000 from the state. That's off of approximately $10,000. Luckily they have payment plans, and I have some money saved.
- I am having two crowns put in without the benefit of the pre-tax thingie. I should have waited until January. I didn't wait because I thought I would get a job and have to move out quickly. Duh. High hopes.
- One side of my mouth I cannot chew on. Which means something is going wrong. So I have to go get a consult from someone who would have to do a root canal. More money.

Oh, BTW, I still hate my hair, and I spent a lot of money on it.

One final note, in searching for an image of the Batman fights, I found a very disturbing term that's in the urban dictionary. Batman bang. I refuse to put a link here because I don't want psychos coming to my block. Beware if you look it up. OMG.

I'm off to California tomorrow early early, so I might not post until December! Likely will meet Laura B in person - don't you dare take photos of me... :-) All the best to you all.

I should be doing so many things

So, I'm going to share some photos of flowers I took when I was in CA.

Monday Monday

Here's the update.
- I heard nothing from the place re: the job. I am assuming that means that they offered it to someone else and that person is deciding. I am perfectly fine with that.
- Exhibit A will NOT be in J-tree with us. So it's me and M - all by our lonesome, kind of (we'll meet up with some people on various occasions). At first it was a kick in the gut, but then there was a clear sense of relief. If anything happens with the job, I will be making the decision based solely on what I want to do or not do, versus some odd weird hope that something would happen with him. In fact, already the scenario in my head is that I wouldn't get in touch. That's kinda silly...but who knows.
- There was a walk for the homeless this weekend. I wonder how many homeless walked. They should make the walkers move the homeless in wheelbarrows or something like that. I dropped off some clothes from the clothes swap at one place I know hands them out to homeless people rather than some place like Goodwill, and a bunch of homeless people were wearing t-shirts from the walk.
- So, on Thursday went out to dinner with colleagues. I should not have. By the time we were done with dinner and the half hour conversation about children was done, I was done, done, done. One friendly person tried to pull me into the conversation and I said, I'm sorry, I need to leave. I'm sick. I couldn't even make it back walking with them because I just wanted to cry, and did once I left them in the dust. Not very executive director-like.
- There's a psycho person I work with, once removed. The woman who works with her directly is a saint, and I tell her that all the time. The last several days in Atlanta I felt I was acting like the psycho. Especially when I went off crying. (I need to mark this feeling down and not obsess about it, and learn.) The saint noted when I said I felt like I was acting like psycho and said that to her, she didn't agree or disagree, which meant she agreed. "That's what friends are for." And it is. Though it sucks.
- Last interesting thing is that I saw my fireex (Fire-ex) on Saturday for the first time in about 8 years. He wanted to borrow a rug cleaner I had, and I knew something was wrong. We went to lunch, and turns out his girlfriend/partner is moving out after 6 years or some such time. Poor guy. But, it's for the best as he knows. I can only do so much to help him, but/and he'll be fine. The thought did cross my mind that I'd maybe in the future have an option for sex...and no, we will not get together for anything else. We already made that decision a long time ago, and it sticks. We just care about each other a lot. It was funny when he first got out of the car we had the harassment banter - me asking where his confederate flag was, and him asking me where my hippie stickers are. And so on... until we hugged. It was good to see him.
- I didn't get much done around the house, but such is life...

Saturday Hunt - Cars

Some tire rims of the cars around my house. Can you tell which is mine?

healing

I'm surprised I can write this many updates, but it will soon end until this weekend. Next 48 hours will be BUSY.
- I"m feeling better thank you. Finally remembered that I like to take Zicam, and that has helped. In addition, I had the chance to rest a couple times in a day - even 10-15 minutes helps a lot. Especially after an evening where I was waking up every hour to blow my nose or something. I remember looking at the clock and seeing that it was only 12:45 am and thinking holy crap, this night sucks. I also got rid of the feather pillows and that helped a lot. Didn't know I was a little allergic.
- Go an email and I"m considered a finalist. Not sure what it says that it just makes me think and have a bunch of questions vs. be excited. But, it's helpful one of our sessions was on leadership and it's good to hear people who are at really high levels say how they got there. This might be one of those times for me. But I also have in my head the words of my friend, who said that men are more likely to push for something and then when get it, say WTF - how am I going to do it, but then get on to doing it. And it would be good for women/me to do that too.
- Got to go by Torrance's shop (Raw Dawg). It was a much longer walk than I expected and just bought something and said hello. His daughter was there and she's a PISTOL. Very cute though.
- I really don't like what I've experienced in Atlanta. It's an odd place. Of course, judging it by being a conference is not fair... The streets are empty around here. I did, as I mentioned, go for a lonnnng walk yesterday. Didn't see many white people, which isn't an issue for me, but went through a few sketchy areas and it's hard to not stand out. I only had to pay off one person to leave me alone (smart man - asked for 3.80 bus fare - so how could I just give him a dollar?). He was walking alongside and determined to continue - even picked up his belongings in his cardboard box to carry along.
- I'm very happy they have a decent gym here. I'm very happy that when soemone asked me in the elevator where the gym was but they meant sports bar, that I knew where the gym was and not the sports bar. I'm excited that I've been practicing kneeling on one of those big exercise balls and I'm starting to be able to (my trainer had had me try and it and I kept falling off... so of course it was a challenge for me). I guess it looks interesting because my boss was in the gym this am and watched me do it and commented 'awesome'. I still have to do it by a wall because I'm not stable enough yet. But man it's a workout.
- Please give me strength to not kill the people I'm meeting with for 7 hours over the next few days.

Greetings from the 12th Floor

I'm only on the 12th floor. I think this place goes up to 49 or something. That's quite fine with me to only be on #12. I get motion sickness just coming up here - they have these glass elevators and they go pretty damn fast...

I bet you are all wondering:
- why I just sneezed. Well apparently I was not vigilant long enough. Yesterday as the reception was winding down, I started to feel my throat closing up. Yep, sick. Snotted all night, didn't sleep well, and had to lay down three times during the day today. I'm feeling better now, but it's going to be a very very very early bedtime for me.
- how my interview went. Well, kinda hard to say. I did not feel like it was great, in part because I rambled a bit. I think it was difficult to feel professional when 1) I'm sitting at home in my very cramped sewing room with a suit top on and jeans on the bottom 2) occasionally I could hear my voice on the other end which just throws me for a loop 3) they had a written list of questions, only half of which were really very good, and it was very stilted 4) they were all dressed down - OH, did I mention there were about 8 people around the table plus people on speaker from their end? Amazing. They said at the end that I had a very impressive resume or was very impressive - not sure which. I was focused on the fact that I had called a cab to arrive at my house at the time I needed to be at the airport, so I had to go call another.
- if I like my hair any better after 3 weeks. nope.
- if I"m still getting spam. yep. I had 7 emails that comment moderation stopped. So far that's working well for me. I want to avoid passwords...

I'm not sure what else you'd want to know. I'm tired and signing off. I'll try to check in right now on people's blogs, but we'll see...

Saturday Hunt - Quest

Elmo is so proud that he has succeeded in his quest to find the perfect tie. (someone needs to teach him how to tie it though...)

Spam

I'm so sorry. I've actually gotten a lot of spam recently, so I'm putting on comment password crap for a little while. It's funny - it all seems to come to the Pillsbury Doughboy post I had up over a year ago. I was going to do comment moderation for comments over 30 days, but thought that would be a pain. Actually...I think I will do that. I'd rather have the pain than force you to write passwords. OK, off I go to do that.

I should have done so many things tonight. Instead I went climbing for a little bit, came home, ate dinner and watched the end of Bones and all of Supernatural. How dare I have a normal do nothing evening when I have a clothes swap coming up on Saturday and my place is a mess and I have to pack for Atlanta, where I will be all next week starting Sunday, and I have an interview on Sunday right before I leave for Atlanta! Actually, the fact that the house was 53 degrees had something to do with that, so I actually turned on the heat. Too late though!

Oh well. Guess I should go to bed now and prepare for my crazy life coming up.

Save the planet

so wrong

I'm sorry, but I find it incredibly wrong to hear a child say - I'm so excited. I've only ever had a fat daddy. I can't wait until it's my turn [to shine? - I forget the exact words]. Not the words about having a fat daddy - though that's a little rude. It's more seeing her, and she's 7 or 8, and really overweight, and if I'm interpreting her correctly, wanting to be on the Biggest Loser? I have to have taken that wrong. It can't be correct. It is not something to look forward to.

The title is also appropriate for my behavior. I'm a hothead. If I'm doing something wrong biking, I fully accept any consequences that may ensue. Like riding the wrong way down a road. Or riding without a helmet - even a short distance. But if I'm doing the right things and you honk at me, watch out, if I can catch you. Tonight I was biking in the roadway, on the side, with headlight and tail light and reflective vest and reflective bike bags, and I have the right of way, and the cars coming along the off ramp have a yield sign, and the car honks at me because I don't stop for it. Her.

How do I know it's a her? Because she got caught at the left turn light, and so I rode up and slapped her window. No matter what she said, all I said was YOU HAD THE YIELD SIGN. I eventually left - I would have parked myself in front of or on top of her car, had there not been other cars behind her and I didn't want them to have to pay for her sin. Yeah yeah, I'm over the top and not proud of it. This is my confession area. At least some of my sins.

a pain in the

face! Went this morning to the dentist and had not one but two teeth prepared for crowns. I felt like I was run over by a truck. I felt like I had given a guy a bj for five hours (not that I really know what that's like, so don't get all excited). I felt the pain when I forked over my credit card - we'll see if I can do the bathroom remodel I was planning.

And feeling like shit, all I could think of was how could I be an executive director? I can't lead people when I feel like crap. Well, no duh.

I just did a search on 'how to be an executive director' and even I didn't see a listing in eHow, I found some other things. And amazingly enough, I believe I could be a good executive director. Especially for something I'm passionate about.

But am I passionate enough about this that I'm applying for? I'm not sure. I'm skeptical, and trying to research so that I CAN be passionate for the interview. Else, I have no chance for the job.

In the meantime I have to learn how to use a web cam from my home computer, clean up the room that the computer is in or at least find something to hang behind me, etc. etc.

Not that I'm feeling overwhelmed at all. Oh, no. Not me.

But riding my bike to my car tonight, I thought that it's nice to be in a position where I even feel comfortable applying for this job. To be somewhat healed. It's nice. And if this job doesn't work out, as my mom says, it's for a reason. Speaking of my mom, I talked to her on Friday and she asked if I'm getting a new job because she had a dream I did. I have not told her anything... She just knows. But we'll see.

Saturday Hunt - Concoction

My concoction is a motley assemblage of things, persons or ideas.

Here's the shoes I bought after returning the really pointy ones. I've never gone completely round, and they're comfortable (Hush Puppies), and a good color, so I'm trying them. I even almost threw away the box, and then just couldn't. But I'll keep them.


Here's the filter that needs replacing in my vacuum cleaner that currently does not suck.


Here's my first ever tile job, without the grout yet. I am very proud. It took me 2.5-3 hours for not a very big space.

Late, Pie eating

I ate beef bourginon or however you spell it, and I brought the pie and ate that too. I honestly didn't like the pie that much, but everyone else loved it. My friends B and L, and my ex. (yeah, him again)

Funny story: my ex was talking about the woman he used to climb with (who used to be my friend and dropped me suddenly, even before the divorce - and apparently tends to drop people). He had gone on a trip with her in August and after that she dropped him. Apparently during that trip, or after? not sure (because he tried to find out what happened) she said he reminded her of her ex.

So as we're leaving, he says: maybe I should go up to her walking sullenly and sadly, and say to her that Pamela said I reminded her of her ex too.

I was a little shocked that he can joke about it now, but it was damn funny.

Late, Pie

Well, I had to make an apple pie for tomorrow night, and tried a new recipe and it took way too long. I wanted to go to be way earlier, but alas. This one has a crumble topping, which I've never made. It doesn't look crumbly to me. Just looks like sugar piled on top. Oh well.

Didn't talk much about my weekend except for the movie. I basically spent the whole day Saturday with my ex. Went climbing - even though in the am it was misty nasty, it was gorgeous by the time we got where we were going. Even though he could have kept going, even though it was raining, I was DONE by 3:00. We drove back and stopped at the apple orchard - I owed him some money for gas and he likes apple cider, so we got some. He also got a caramel apple, rolled in peanuts. I was like those puppy dogs that sit and stare at you when you're eating, hoping hoping hoping for something. I got multiple bites, and I even liked it with peanuts!

My 'date' for that night was sick, so I asked him if he wanted to see the movie, and we went out to dinner ahead of time. Since it was Halloween, the wait staff were all dressed up. Most of the women had on slutty outfits. I kept offering to my ex to drop a fork or something so he could see someone bend over, but he didn't take me up on it. Our waiter was male, but dressed like a woman. I wanted to laugh hysterically, not because of that, but because his voice sounded like a vampire's and he wasn't even trying!

It was a nice day, but on the drive home I cried. Just because thinking about not seeing him much at all if I move to CA. But that wouldn't be so bad. Just a little sad.

PS, forgot BOTH bra and underwear today. Counter updated.

Had to balance out the sweetness

If only all kids were like this

I'm Facebook friends with my friend's teenage daughter. She has a 7 year old brother. Her recent update:

this morning my mom told my brother that her school was sending candy to the troops, and to pick out the candies he didn't want. he took out a piece of chocolate and a lollipop and put the rest in a box and wrote on the box "der arme i hav a pezet for you. loev to arme" :D i love that kid!!!

Awww...

My friend had sent out an email Saturday asking about climbing on Sunday, in part to get rid of the candy hangover. I checked in with him Sunday night, and he said he had no candy hangover because the damn kid gave it all away... :-)

Where the Wild Things Are

I saw this Saturday night. I wasn't quite sure what to expect. I can see how it would be really scary for anyone under 7 or so, unless their parents regularly take them to R rated movies (Oh how I hate those people.) I wasn't all that excited when watching it, but was fascinated. But afterwards it's stuck with me. I keep thinking how well done it was, and the subtle lessons in there. Definitely worth seeing.

Saturday Hunt - Weenie

Well, I must admit, I had several ideas in mind already when I chose the word, instead of picking the word out of the blue. I haven't looked yet to see how others interpreted it, but here's mine.

Teenie weenie drops of water on grass.


Yesterday was a Hallo - weenie sort of day. Here's my pumpkin that the squirrels have helped carve.


Finally, one of the DJ's on WFMU plays a song called Corn Weenie. Mmmm delicious, right?


I have to see the list of who's playing anymore... But I will choose Tara for next week.

That's the Way the World Goes Round

I was reminded of this song listening to WFMU and hearing a John Prine song. This is one of my favorites, and so appropriate all the time. Ups and downs lately: got an interview for a job in California, either via videoconference or in person. Got my wonderful long amazingly cut hair cut yesterday and I hate it. Too short, not styled well, etc. I wanted a replica of what I had, and did not get it. Is that ever possible? Of course, just in time for tons of important meetings. Trying to tell myself that I'm more than my hair.

Here's the song. The first 2 minutes is the song. I think he talks after that and has interesting stuff to say, but I'm at work!!! Gotta go work.

Happy Birthday

I found another reason to not check Facebook at work. Besides all the ones you can think of, you have to watch out for a sucker punch. I was scanning quickly, and there I see the first guy I fell in love with. His sister had posted the photo and put a loving message on there to him, because today is his birthday. As a song I love says, I bursted out a'cryin'. Oh boy, it was a big shock. As I mentioned before, he died of Creuzfeld Jakob's disease. In the time since he's died, there's now various centers. Here's one at UCSF where you can find out about the different forms the disease has, and how quickly you die from each one. Because there is no cure.

But it makes me remember him and I can wish him Happy Birthday too.
(10/29/63-1/12/99)

Starting a new topic - letters from the past

In an attempt to clean out my old papers, I'm going to start sharing pieces of letters I received from as far back as middle school. I still have a lot of actual, real, letters, and they really must go (ok, except for a few special ones, like the one in which my dad actually wrote a paragraph - and he NEVER wrote much at all beyond his signature).

So, here goes:
Dear Pamela,
I miss you SO MUCH!!! I wish you were here (no, actually I wish I was there!!) Well, anyway, howeryadoin? Incredibly fantastic and amazing I hope! I'm so glad you called tonight - it felt awesomely wild to hear your voice again. [...blah blah blah] I have to tell you I spent all weekend trying to convince myself that I wouldn't miss you that much and that two weeks wasn't really that long but Sunday night there was a thunderstorm and I went to the window to watch it and the first and only thing I could think about was you and how much I really, really miss you.

Me again:
OK, I had to share that one because I think a year later, freshman year in college, I received a letter from him that started: Dear Bitch. Receiving that sent me into my first ever spiral of deep depression. But now, I think it's damn funny. And not so surprising given that he was way off the deep end in the 'you're great' way. He had to go all the way the other way later.

Excuse me while I go rip up this card into little pieces.

hi all...

Not writing much as I spent last night applying to another job that would really be great. I would find it interesting and am not completely frightened out of my mind by it. Yes, in California. I just have to keep trying, and not get too excited every time a decent job pops up.

Other than that, I brought a friend my pint of Haagen Daas dark chocolate ice cream. I didn't like it when I had it at home because to me it was so chocolate-y that I wanted to chew it like a candy bar but I couldn't. But in the time it took to bring it to my friend, it had softened, and oh my god. The texture was amazing as was the flavor. Holy crap. Thankfully I left it with him. I could have eaten the whole pint.

A quote I needed to read

...The most valuable thing I can think of is to be grateful for suffering. That is a sublime feeling, and completely inexplicable and illogical, but no one doesn't suffer. so the degree to which you can be aware of your own humanity is the degree to which you can accept, with open eyes, your suffering. To be grateful for your suffering is to be grateful for your humanity, because what else are you going to do -- say "no thanks"? It's there. "Smile and accept," said Mother Teresa. And she was talking to people who had it rough.

Hmmm... Guess who said this?
Stephen Colbert. Quoted in Rolling Stone article.

Of course, shared this with a friend, and his reply:
Honestly, the only benefit i derive from suffering is the opportunity to hone my whining.

Saturday Hunt - Honored

I went apple picking today here:

Amazing, eh?


These were granny smith. There weren't very many and difficult to find even on a good day. But I was really there to get another variety (Stayman) and got a 1/2 bushel from their bins. ($10)

Well, it was the same place I had gone strawberry picking back in May. I felt very honored that the guy who made my caramel apple for me (actually #2) remembered me. (He made me a second because I said I didn't think the first was the apple variety I wanted. I said no repeatedly but he made it and gave it to me and who was I to refuse? So I helped them - took money, handed out cider - while I ate it.) And no! Yet again, this is just a nice guy. I met his wife in the strawberry fields. (OK, that sounds faintly dirty...but again, not meant that way).

[you know, this was the toughest word ever for me!]

Habitat for Humanity

This morning I was feeling sad, blue, overwhelmed, nowhere, cave-woman-like, but I went to the Habitat for Humanity breakfast anyway. I had signed up a while back and I wasn't NOT going to go because they had me RSVP and it would mean wasted food.

It was the first one I've ever been to though I have volunteered sporadically in the last 15+ years I've lived here. I arrive in my biking gear, and there's a formal breakfast set up and lots of people with suits and ties and business attire. It was a networking/fundraising breakfast. Ack! But that's ok, soon in I realized they needed all types of people there - volunteers help attest to the important work that is done.

A woman who was chosen to get a home spoke. A few quotes:
[she was so down and poor that] I coudn't even afford to dream.
Homeowners are required to put in sweat equity - I believe 300 hours (or is it 100 - likely 100). She put in 150 because: These people are working hard and what am I going to say, oh I've done my time, I'm done?
When she got the house and was living in it: When I look at a window it reminds me of a face [of a person who worked on that]. When I look at a door, it reminds me of a person.

So, you know, I cried some (as did others, including a guy at a table nearby who kept wiping his nose with his napkin). I also was of course inspired by the man (simple professor) who has to date donated a couple hundred thousand dollars. And it got me thinking outside my little hermit bubble, which was a good thing.

It's a great organization btw, and there are affiliates everywhere.

Nothing like a 10:00 pm interview

Had a work dinner tonight. Didn't get out of it until about 10:00. Had a great time by the way.

I had had a call earlier in the day from a small international nonprofit based in N. California. A Board member wanted to talk to me. And she needed to talk to me today - and found out the reason later was because the Board is meeting tomorrow and talking about candidates for the Executive Director position.

Holy fucking shit. Me as an Executive Director?

Well, talked with her after the dinner. And we got along and she's going to recommend that I be interviewed in person. Holy crap. Kinda. Because I really feel I could do this job. It's a bunch of very committed people, yet small enough not to be overwhelming. And to be quite honest, I think I'd only get this opportunity out there. There's too many people around where I live who are overqualified for such a position and I'd have no chance here. My resume is impressive and captures people's attention out there. It seems.

So we shall see. I'm not sure if I want you to wish me luck. I'm still contemplating this whole thing. Does it make sense? I've at this point gotten over the whole Exhibit A thing, given he has had noooo contact, which I kinda didn't expect from him, but he could have written back when I wrote a short email, but he didn't. I'm interested, not desperate. Is the line I'm going to use. In any event, my main concern at this point is whether it's really good for me. Do I want to move, really? The answer is of course yes and no. So, we'll see.

One thing I did this weekend

My greatest challenge this weekend was taking care of my friends' twin 7 (or 9?) month old boys for 3 1/2 hours. All by my lonesome. I was unsure how I'd deal, but it all ended up ok. My friend's sister was there but she needed to leave town early to go see her own son in a show. When I got there she gave me the run-down - much more than I would ever want to know. She really didn't want to leave, but of course had to go. As she's saying that D hadn't pooped all weekend, D's standing up by the door grunting. Oh crap. Literally. Thankfully she changed him before she left (with exclamations from the other room: Oh My! It's so big! I can't believe that came out of you D! - she's a very bubbly woman)

Half hour into it, I was ready to do something to make the time go by. I tried feeding them. But getting two boys into high chairs and keeping them occupied and fed, well, it didn't last long. So then we went for a walk. But getting two boys into coats and hats and getting down the street is not easy, so it took a long time to get going.

(BTW, Yes, I know anyone with kids knows all this. But it's so hard when you don't do it day in and day out. I mean, when do you go to the bathroom??)

And then riding them around in the store, trying to gather up items to buy without crushing the boys, well, that was interesting. As was fitting the double stroller down the checkout lane.

Back at the house, they were getting grumpy so I knew either they had to be fed, had to nap, or needed a diaper change. The diaper was ok I thought. And it wasn't quite nap time. So, I decided to feed them some more. But none of this chair business. I got the food, sat on the other side of the baby grate, and fed them through the bars as they stood up. Zoo time!

THEN it was time for nap. One upstairs, one down. They screamed for a good 10 minutes and then finally it was quiet. I tried to find HGTV, my favorite station - by the time I found it - they were both screaming again. My friend had said that I should let them cry but I didn't know that meant if they woke up too early from the nap too.

So, both got up. One got a diaper change. And then I just held both - one on each leg as I sat on the floor, and let them lean against me and stop crying and hopefully sleep. When dad showed up, they were so out of it, they just kinda looked at them in a stupor. I am afraid to find out how they were the rest of the day/evening given they had such a short nap. But they survived and so did I. It's easier when you don't necessarily have to follow all the rules (like eating in a chair). I got off easy I think.

Here they are, D and B.

Perfectionism

Thanks all for your words of wisdom/thoughts. I just sometimes get overwhelmed by imperfection. Can you guess I used to be a perfectionist? Is it really possible to say that? Used to be? I like to think so. I've given it up over the years, sometimes tipping a little too far into the non-perfectionist side. Not sure that was really the case here. And not sure that I can go blame bipolar disorder 2. Truth is, I have to start stepping up to the plate more. And as I've mentioned, it's only recently that I've felt I can. Am able to. To the extent possible. Because I have good medication, but the other things rear their ugly heads. Like perfectionism. Or lack thereof. Or is it self flagellation? A little bit of that too. But I made it through the day. The world did not come to an end yet. I resisted the urge to avoid the issues and my parts in them. And I'll deal with it over the next couple days. I make it sound like I've killed someone, when all I've really done is not paid enough attention to budget reports. That are now late and impacting funds available. But truly it's not the end of the world. And lessons have been learned. I need to write them down...never forget! And move on.

I was going to write about my weekend, but I'll let that slide another day. It's late. Hope everyone is well.

Learning lessons

I have to think of all the mistakes I'm making as learning opportunities. I really do. And not get sucked into "I'm a horrible manager" way of thinking. Fuck.

Saturday Hunt - Keep

Whenever I buy shoes, I never ever know if I'm really going to keep them. These are my most recent purchase, and I still haven't decided if I should keep them. They are nice, but the toe is very very pointed, and I'm a not so pointed toe person. (But not a rounded end person for sure.) I need the color though (dark brown) and there's nothing else out there (ok in at least the one store chain I go to).

Something that makes me smile

I sat on the couch last night, with my afghan on (that my mom knit, btw). Billy was on my lap (long ways, since I was lengthwise on the couch). I had finished watching tv, and turned it off. And sat there for a little bit with my eyes closed (which is dangerous, since I can fall asleep there and hours later I wake up). I opened my eyes, and watched Billy. I have never ever seen this before. His head was up initially, but then he fell into a deeper and deeper sleep. As he did this, his head inched down, until his face was directly into the blanket. Kinda like he had gone splat. So NOT elegant for a cat, and oh so cute. Of course his butt was towards me so I didn't seeeee it see it, but it was still amazing.

Climbing day

On Saturday I went up to New Paltz. Colorful New Paltz.


I wasn't quite sure what I'd be doing, but I figured at the very least I'd go for a hike. Turns out, I thought I forgot my sports bra, so I knew I'd also have to go shopping for a new sports bra (sorry Squirrel - I found it when I got back to my mom's so technically I didn't forget it, so the counter stays where it is).

In the end, it turned out it was C and her boyfriend G, and Frenchguy, who climbs 5.13's, and me. We didn't start until noon or so, because it had rained the night before, and the rock had to dry off. Because I was the 'non-local' I was one of the first two up right away (Frenchguy was the second). G, a new climber and belayer, belayed me. I got on a 5.7PG - Thin Slabs. I did a stupid hard start, got a piece of gear in, did another stupid hard move, got a piece of gear in, but, alas fell before getting the rope up.

Now, I was pretty high, but not incredibly so. It was a judgement call whether to use the rope or address it like I was bouldering. Turns out G did neither. He pretty much literally caught me, and I rolled onto him we both fell with me on top of him. Slow motion too. Neither one of us was hurt, and C looked at us laughing hysterically. It was indeed pretty damn funny, and very very soft. I appreciated it, because either other way, I might have broken another toe, or an ankle.

So, I finished it, with one hang. I was freaked a little less from falling than from the fact it was still a little wet. And you know what, it sucks to be around someone who climbs hard, because you know that someone can get you out of a jam if need be. I had to fight the urge to have Frenchguy finish the climb and just follow. But fight I did, and was glad I did it.

We climbed another climb each (C leading one this time), and that was the day. I was really glad to get up there and had a great time. And I must say, it's been a very long time since I met someone so nice and considerate and genuinely a really great person, and even though he's French! As one example, Frenchguy had heard my story about my need for food, and when we all went to the bar after climbing, which we thought was going to be dinner, he made sure to get food so I could eat. And he wasn't interested me THAT way, he just is interested in people and wanting to be nice. No ego whatsoever. Turns out C and J and Frenchguy are going on a road trip, and I all but invited myself to meet up with them somewhere, and hope I can.

Poor dude couldn't make it up the rock.


So he went another way and Frenchguy got some great photos of him.


I like it when I do stuff on the weekends, so I have something to write about.

Booze cruise

Working backwards in time on the weekend...

Sunday was a gorgeous day, and a great day to be on the water. My friend P came with me, and it really was the perfect day for both of us. It was a weird weird, but amazingly friendly crowd. This couple we met on the way in and spent the entire cruise with. He even bought us all pizza!


So, here's one DJ, X-Ray, and another photo with both of them. I didn't really get a good photo of Glen Jones in his captain and tenille outfit.



Some of the characters we met, well, were caricatures. There was Mr. Suave, who I don't have a photo of. Seriously, he acted like he should have his shirt unbuttoned to his belly and would drive a Camaro. He walked by the group of four of us, and I saw he had a beer, and asked if he got it from the bar (we were desperate to start drinking). He turns, leans, juts out his crotch, and offers me a sip of his tequila and ice. I took it of course - why not take advantage? He was Mr. Smooth - at least he acknowledged the others, but he so wanted to get me alone to another part of the boat. Oh so tempting. But I resisted.

Then there was Mr. Clueless. Here's a photo.

I take his picture and he starts talking to me about how he knows the DJs from when they were kids. Blah blah, and mentions something about a long time ago, and that there's no way I could know about it. Then looks at my friend P, and says, well you're old enough to know, right. I just looked at P with my mouth open - Oh My God! I turned to him and said, you know we're the same age right. And instead of apologizing, he looks at P and says, there's no way you're the same age. I just looked at her, she looks at him "you know you just insulted me, right?". He still doesn't quite get that he should just run away, so I finally waved him off with a 'you're done'. Oh my god - I felt so badly.

Overall though, people were great and it was a beautiful day and they played great music. Here's the best song that came on.


So many sights. So many memories.

How to have a great TIME

How do you have a good TIME on a weekend? Well, if you are me:

Start with some outdoor exercise fun:
(make it easy by climbing a horizontal climb - no that's not me)

Then have some outdoor beer-drinking boat-riding non-exercise fun:


And in between, visit mom and her (spoiled much?) cat:

Where I will be Sunday afternoon

Part of Glen and X. Ray's 2009 Marathon victory included convincing Station Manager Ken to let them host their very own booze cruise. Because you stood by their side during the Marathon, we are offering you first dibs and a special discount on the first-ever IBJ Schmooze Cruise!

Who: WFMU's Glen Jones and X. Ray Burns and YOU!

What: The IBJ Schmooze Cruise around Manhattan, plus live broadcast.

When: Sunday, October 11th (the vessel boards at noon sharp, and the cruise will last until approx 4pm).

Where: Aboard the S.S. Jewel, departing from New York Skyports Marina, 2430 FDR Drive, East Service Road (at E. 23rd St), New York, NY.

Details: Light snacks will be provided, and the ship is equipped with a cash bar.

I'm such a WFMU geek! Sorry I haven't been very interesting writing lately. I took a wallop from the Monday night non interview and have retreated into a cave. Also, my meds have thrown me for a loop. I was all great, and now I fear I'm not so much (like, for instance, spent 20 minutes in my office yesterday crying). So trying to see how it goes. Recoup.

And the slugs came back. UGH. So I stuff newspaper under the door. I hope they don't come in anymore.

Homeless American Girl

Doll.

You know what an American Girl doll is, right? Well, they introduced a homeless one. Amazing. A $95 doll that is homeless.

Here's an article with one opinion about it.

I find it to be in the intersection of interesting and wrong. Sure, it teaches something about about the issues in America, but there are so many associated lessons that can go wrong because the homelessness issue itself is so complex.

I can just see a little girl giving a homeless person on the street money to go get her hair done.

The No News

Let's just say that was the longest non interview I've ever had. The guy so wanted to interview me, but I do not have and cannot fake one aspect that all the stakeholders think should be an essential item (the last two people interviewed with 14!!! people). The organization/stakeholders are looking for a needle in a haystack. But the guy really liked my resume and it seems me, and is going to float the general concept of me around to see what kind of reaction it gets. So, we'll see what happens. Maybe next time I'd actually have an interview, rather than a discussion about why I can't be interviewed because he doesn't want to lead me on...

Guess I have more time to work on my house.

It's all ok, since it's just nice to have someone interested in me. I'll keep looking around.

Sorry

I've been anxious since Friday about my interview tomorrow, so not really almost able to breathe. I did manage to climb some today. And yesterday got to drive my friend's BMW with a great sound system - blasting an old Kings of Leon album which was great.

Hope?

I thought of hope today as I watched all the birds. One in particular was standing still in the water, waiting for a fish to go by. Hoping for a fish to go by. I had forgotten my camera, so here's a photo of the bird. Ok, just realized it's a bunch of photos together from here:



I will write Monday night...and comment then too.

celebrate the changes...

Yesterday afternoon, I made a big deal with a friend to make sure her husband let it slip to my ex that I'm looking at jobs in CA. I realized, that's silly - I'm trying to protect him or something. So after climbing with him last night, I told him I had a job interview. For a job in SF. And he kind of blinked. Said he would miss me, but wished me luck.

I'll go back now to counting my chickens before they hatch.

slow motion horror movie

Downstairs, I move the clothes from the washing machine to the dryer and to the drying rack. One item. Two. I look down, and there's a 2 inch long slug on the floor. Ack! I look at the door, and there over the sock lying by the door, is a slug trail. Ack! I get a bag and pick up the slug [shudder] and throw it in the garbage. And notice another slug by the cat food dish. Holy crap! Pick that one up and throw it in the garbage. I look around, don't see any more slugs. But there's a paintbrush under the dryer. How did that get there? Did the slugs move it there? More clothes in the dryer, turn around, and there's a slug by the cat litter! Holy fuck! Into the trash it goes. I put a towel across the bottom of the door, and make my exit upstairs, shuddering all the way. I'm scared to go down there in the morning.

One of the cards I got on my birthday. I really didn't realize I snort all that much.

are you mad at me?

Another thing I do, even at work!, is want to make sure people like me. Which is so damn funny, because truly half the time I don't care really if people like me or not. I yam what I yam. But, if I'm a little down, or stressed, or whatever, I want to make sure that I don't do anything that will make people not like me. And how can you be a manager or in any sort of responsibility if you feel that way? You can't. People are adults, and if they aren't, it's not your problem. But man, I still want everyone to like me.

Oh, and, um, they contacted me for a phone interview. Already.

Is everybody happy?

In the past week I've encountered examples of how I feel the responsibility to make other people happy. I have to stop that, and realize that it's everyone's individual responsibility to obtain their own happiness. I can be a mentor. I can listen. But I cannot create happiness for someone else.

Example 1: I climbed with my ex on Saturday. He was talking again about he has no friends, and now noone to climb with either. And said something about going to see a movie sometime. And asked about climbing with my friend B and me on Mon/Wed. I felt a little suffocated, but also sorry for him and wanted to help him out. I sent some email later that day and we had some back and forth that led him to ultimately call me. And he reminded me that I'm not responsible for making him happy. It made me cry, because I really want people I care about to be happy.

Example 2: This one was so friggin' convoluted. S is a woman who was at J-tree last year with another friend. I want to climb with her someday on a trip. I mentioned J-tree to her this year before plans were being made. M is the one who owns the house. Exhibit A had mentioned how he would like to see S again. So I sort of created a mess because I don't really know her well enough to push to have her at J-tree (ie twist M's arm), and M kinda wanted a small group this year. And she's a climbing fool and will do anything to climb. So I told her to sort of invite herself, and that went over poorly. And I finally had to tell M that I was responsible for the chaos. Ack, you likely don't understand this one, but let me just say it was hard for me to admit my part in it all since I thought M would be mad at me and I thought I had created stress for him. And I almost cried talking to him.

Sigh. I need to just work on making myself happy.

Part of my weekend / Today

- Fighting a cold all weekend so took a 3 hour nap Saturday and 2 hour on Sunday.
- Never tell a woman with 3 children under the age of 2 1/2 that you took a nap even if you were sick.
- Slept in this morning but still got to work on time.
- Joined LinkedIn yesterday on the advice of a friend. Professional networking... interesting. But ANOTHER thing to take care of.
- Spent at least 7 hours working on a letter/resume for high level job in SF.
- Went to eat a danish that was in the workroom. Picked it up off my plate, and luckily saw the bottom. Two pieces of fruit were stuck to the bottom which had lots of mold on them. God's trying to take care of my weight.
- today's my wedding anniversary

Saturday Hunt - Jersey

New Jersey: Climber Smurf wants to see my homeland, New Jersey. He thinks he can transport himself by standing on the WFMU sticker, clicking his heels together, and chanting "I wish I were home."


Old Jersey: Since he thinks he's going on a trip, he's putting on a jersey to keep him warm


Oh, I choose Laura to choose.

it's beginning to look like a kitchen

Before Grout

After grout

I could show you but I'm not

The grout is going in tomorrow. Amazing. I'll put up a photo tomorrow.

For now, I'll share with you my favorite lyrics from this weekend as I listened to country on the way back from visiting my friend.


Country song 1

she said hey boy do you mind taking me home tonight cuz i aint never seen a country boy with tires on his truck this high
i said climb on up but watch the cup that i spit my dip inside and hold on tight cuz its gonna be wilder then any 8 second ride
we went ridin around rockin to the sound of a country boy can survive
and i knew then that she was my kinda girl cuz she was singin every single line

Country song 2

5 foot something, cherry balm she had everything going on
The first thing that caught my eye
She was rockin’ the beer gut and I love the way she’s not ashamed
Rockin’ the beer gut well it’s just some extra love around her waist
Rockin’ the beer gut she’s more than hot, she’s everything and with the blue jeans a little tight around her butt
Pretty little girl’s, rockin’ the beer gut

Visitors to my front door

My floor is being started tomorrow, this time for real, so preparing, so here's some photos. I call the series: bugs on doors.