whoa no, woe know

Was sitting down to write a woe email, and Billy comes up on my lap. It's hard to feel down when you have a purring cat standing on your lap, and he expects you to hug him. Squeeze the air out of his lungs through his smelly mouth. Hold him against you while he purrs and breathes weirdly. Leans into you.

Annnnddd... off he goes.

So now, woe was I?  ha.

Interesting that I'm being tested this week.  No therapist appointment. No computer monitor because Dell is a pain in the beehind. No M to talk to (he's sick). And no friend at work to walk with at lunch. I have to survive on my own. And it's a little difficult. The thoughts of 'so this is what my life is like?'  when so many others are doing so much more. And it's only a 4 day work week for me!  A three day weekend was great. I hate the thought that I am just trying to make it through the day, make it through the week. Ugh. Never thought I'd live my life like that.

Yeah well. Here we are. Gotta get some changes in attitude since the change in latitude won't happen any time soon.

Daydream

by Sue Ellen Pector

Of hunger's many faces
I dream,
fresh food to eat,

clothing, sans rips and patches,
that fits and warms,

closeness, fun, laughter
and rest.

In Praise of Older Hungry Women

by George Wynn

In my San Francisco of the 1950s
older latdies wore gloves
shopping at the Emporium

Now we see on Market Street
older ladies with outstretched palms
and worn-out clothes with cardboard
"give what you can" calling cards
in front of them reminding us of
Dorothea Lange's ruined women
of the Great Depression

If you and I enter a trance
to escape the image of
their present circumstance
and go back in time we might see
 young dreamy faces even after
a hard day's work on the factory line
or young hearts sore but full of fight
after a long day of blows on
a post-war picket line

Who knows, we just might get a
true picture of their elegance

Pride goeth before a fall

I've been thinking that I just had way too much pride. Oh, I could be doing so much more I thought. Others thought so too. Yet that pride helped me get where I am. Got told there's no way I'll get a raise any time in the near future. And the next day was handed a written warning to go into my HR file.

So, I realize what I am, and I will work with it and not expect anything more. I will not be in this job forever, but right now I need it.

I had my third DBT appointment and I think it'll be good for me. Part of me rebels and says it's just Californians who can't deal with sharp east-coasters. But the skills I will learn will help I am sure.

So, I'm spending some of my savings to buy a new computer and am going to try and move forward with photography and such to make a little extra money and expand my horizons.

I am beaten down but am not broken.

DBT

So my psychiatrist recommended I look into DBT.  Dialectical Behavior Therapy.  Which is like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy but different. Click the link and find out.

Happily there's someone near me who practices it, so I'm going to try. I went today and she seemed pretty good. The problem is that the approach deals with really focusing on what you are doing and analyzing it. Arg. I have to go back to that.

See, today I started thinking about / freaking out about the possibility of losing my job. Where would I go? What could I ever do? Anxiety rose... If I wasn't able to push it away, I would have been lost in the spiral of despair. So I fear getting lost in the spiral. But hopefully part of the learning is learning how not to. I assume so. 

EEOC

Had the rug pulled out from under my feet on Wednesday. My general manager had a discussion with me that he has noticed and others have commented to him that I have been... and I forget the exact phrasing. Irritable? Negative? But basically he said if it continued then I would be gone. Not those exact words. He did say he'd be willing to help me by calling attention to the times I do it - so it's not like he already made up my mind and I am gone which is GREAT.

So, I know I've had a couple reactions that were completely outside the realm of how a normal person would react. But I thought I was doing ok. But apparently not. So, it's time to go into survival mode. And that means I have to register as a person with a disability and get accommodation. The only accommodation I want is time to go to a therapist every week and not have to make up the time.  I also have talked to a friend at work and asked that we go for a walk several times a week at lunchtime. Get out of the office. Smooth out my day.

Let me tell you, I may sound calm, but it SUCKS. I do not want to label myself. I don't want to be protected by the EEOC and ADA. But realistically, I have occasional extreme responses. I am overly irritated at times. And I need to be protected. If I lose this job, I really don't know what I would do. Likely continue on, but my initial bad thoughts were that I would give up.

We have a external management company - PEO it's called. So I called our contact there and 'came out'. And, as often is the case, you start talking about your mental health issues and the person you are talking to has a relative or friend with a mental health issue. In this case, her daughter has bipolar. Regular bipolar which I consider to be so much more difficult. Not that I live it... but it just seems like it would be worse. She has done some investigation about the process - it is of course complicated. But I will have help, which is a great thing.

I just so happened to have a psychiatrist appointment on Thursday, so it was good to discuss. I might get a referral for a therapist. I hate hate hate the idea of a therapist. I don't want to be thinking about this and looking at my navel again, but I have to. I have to figure out ways to deal with this and not cause more issues. And keep the job. And maybe in the process get better at maintaining relationships.

Lordy.  Here are a couple dahlias to smooth out this post. I saw the results of a competition in Golden Gate Park.  I think it's my new favorite flower.

No return

Went to Tuolumne and it was cloudy. My normal climbing partner wasn't there - went with two newbies, and with my normal climbing partner not there it was like I was a newbie. We were smart enough to know we needed to do one-pitch climbs, but not smart enough to know we couldn't even do that on this particular day. So, found the climbs and it started hailing on us. Cold!  Then it was a cold wet rain. We were going to wait it out (spooning and hugging to keep warm) but one was too cold, so we walked down in the rain. The climbs we were going to do were waterfalls, and we walked through a stream. My wonderful new waterproof boots did amazing, as well as my rain jacket that I had not yet tested.

So we went out of the park down to the Mobil Mart / Whoa Nellie Deli at about 3:00. Spent hours there having a good time. Then we heard that the pass was closed!  The pass we needed to use to get back into the park to our campground. Ooops. With no rooms available in Lee Vining, we had to go to Mammoth Lakes.

It sounds like an epic, but it was actually fine. The three of us took it in stride and still had fun. I must say, the two of them were the leaders of the fun, and I hitched along for the ride. They are young and intelligent and energetic.

The next morning we stopped at Panum Crater to hike a little since we weren't sure when the pass would open up. The lake in the background is Mono Lake.

Despite the sign saying that the pass was still closed, we drove up. And got in. And got to the campground. And found my tent collapsed. Inches of wet snow!!!

Given all that, we didn't climb that day either, even though it was at least 60 degrees in the sun. But again, we still had fun.

Also saw the Rim Fire devastation. Which, apparently isn't a bad thing. I thought it was bad if the trees were completely destroyed, but apparently there is wildlife that depends on that happening. So, I don't feel so bad that it looked like this:

Handy

Ha, get it? M and I went to Tahoe and had a great weekend (well, except for a bump). It's so nice to spend a few days with him and be able to walk away. As I'm sure he feels it too. As a matter of fact, I know it!  I called him today and he said he was thinking of me. I asked if he was cursing me or missing me. He said something like he was used to having me around. I just laughed since it was neither - his honesty is good though it can hurt sometimes!

The kids had this crawfish, and let him hold it. They offered it a sibling's claw but he was having none of it. He did manage to pinch the hell out of M's hand!

What was kind of sad, though I applaud her for it, is that the kids' mother saw me walking by and asked me to delete the photos I took of the kids. I was kinda shocked, though I understand. I showed them to her - there was one I was going to delete anyway and did while she watched. But I showed the rest and she let me keep them. I could have deleted but I wanted her to see also that I wasn't doing anything bad with them.

I still feel it's good to keep people an arm's length away, but at least I'm acting more normal.

Below is a storm that I was taking photos of. It never came close, but boy was it beautiful!

Hide and seek

This poor crab was trying to hide in the tide pools, but we saw enough to be able to stick the camera in the water and take a few shots (upside down and blind) to get this one.  Creepy!

Back from a nice weekend of not doing much. I may be getting over not doing anything. In part because I don't want to turn into flab!  I still am not 100% sure about climbing, but I guess I should try. After I go to a podiatrist, which I have been avoiding. But it's time. I"m afraid to wear almost any shoes right now. Ugh! Including climbing shoes.

So, I'm back to the 'is this me or is this the condition' question. Grumpy depressed down the last time I climbed with friendA and his friend S. I could pretend to be upbeat and happy, and maybe I should because it can feel better and it's certainly better for those around me. Damn, I'm sure he doesn't want to climb with me anymore. I wouldn't want to! But pretending can lead to being. And is that ok? Still not sure.

Had a dream about trying to surf. Trying to manage my emotions is how I'm interpreting. I kept trying to get to it, but didn't in the end. But I was trying! Sigh, although I'm supposed to be a lion, or even a bear, sometimes I feel like a turtle.

PS: when I went to visit my friend this weekend, she had a yard sale. There were two hand made quilts from her boyfriend's mom. With stains. But handmade. And a guy was interested and going to buy, and I manaaged to get them first. A legacy, and really nice. I'll post photos at some point. Reminds me of a time in Germany when I needed a bathrobe and looked at one. When I tried to haggle, the woman kept it because it now had value.

A rolling stone gathering no moss

I'm rolling along, learning about life, and not gathering too much moss. Wallowing and sticky is my norm. I guess I"m kinda wading and dusty.

It is so easy to not see the part I play in things. Luckily I'm opening my eyes a little more and accepting that without beating myself up too much.

OK, so I whine and moan about guys not leaving me alone. OK, well maybe I flirt up a storm for whatever reason, and I know how to pick people that fall. Not sure how to handle that one yet. Right now, maybe avoiding people.

So, when an ex writes me some unwanted emails, I whine and moan about people not leaving me alone. Um, hello, maybe the random contact over time sent the message that I really wanted such emails?

OK, so my work is full of not so interesting stuff. I've missed some deadlines. Bad. OK, well maybe I need to just get myself friggin organized via Outlook or somesuch tool.

OK, so I don't know anchor building as good as my climbing friend. OK, so learn it.

I don't know. This is kinda boring. I'm kinda trying to pat myself on the back for not getting depressed because I'm beating myself up. Finding solutions is better than beating yourself up. Listening to what you want/need is better than pushing yourself in an unwanted direction. (I actually wrote to an old old friend asking her to not read my blog anymore because it was too one-sided. I felt bad, but it's how I felt so said it.)

You don't have to read it either!  But you are welcome to.

Birthday weekend

I just had the nicest birthday in three years. And maybe even longer!  My roommate convinced me that I should go out to dinner with her. And then asked me three times if I wanted to invite someone along. And so I did. And then when we went to go, another person was there too!  She had even checked on LinkedIn to find some people, including my climbing friend. I think that's so sweet. And the three of them paid for my dinner, which was excellent and quite expensive. But, we'll just celebrate the next month when it's someone else's birthday. Again, so nice.

And I had been feeling like crap last week about my birthday. I didn't want to expect anything. I did a show Friday night, and Saturday I treated myself to my birthday milkshake after volunteering for the day. And today during the day I got a massage. Those were all the things I did for myself. And it was a very nice weekend. Tomorrow should be nice - I know I"m not buying my own birthday cake!

I had a bunch of wine with dinner, so my thought processes are not the best. I may just do the one thing I was going to do and then get ready for bed and go to bed early. Snoozefest.

OK so a feel a little bit special. And that's what birthdays are for.

Sierra

I went to volunteer in the Sierras a week or two ago. I volunteered to help cook for the masses who were actually volunteering, since I didn't trust myself at 9,000 ft to be useful. It was a wonderful time. When I wasn't doing food, I hiked and searched for wildflowers. And found MANY. And someone had a great book, so I learned about the names, etc.  It was a lot of fun. A smattering below. The last one is actually seed pods. Way cool.

I had more to write about... but now I don't know. Poor Billy and the other had a fight today - I came home from being out and found lots of big drops of blood on the floor, carpet, bed blanket.  But he seemed ok in the sense that he wasn't still bleeding at least!  My roommate felt bad. So did I!

I left my mom in the refrigerator

Ah, so I wrote that post, and I think the next day I found the dish brush in the refrigerator, under a bag of vegetables that I had used.  But that doesn't explain all the other things!!!

 Here's a photo of someone taking a photo of a pelican at night.  It was way cool to see him there - down in LA where I was for the 4th.

So the latest drama is relates to my mom. First she got lost and was found in someone's closet. We already started thinking of moving her to a new facility because she wouldn't have to share... and then she gets into a physical altercation with her suitemate and goes to the hospital Friday night because she was found on the floor. And a policeman reads her and her suitemate their rights, since under NJ law noone needs to press charges for there to be charges, or somesuch thing.. But on a Friday night when you're just about to go out of cell phone range and you find that out... it's a little stressful.

Went to not this place below (Fresno Dome) but to Sierra National Forest more to the east this past weekend.

Went to places we had never climbed before. On day 1 we lost our concentration for just a minute and realized we hadn't followed cairns, and didn't see any. And instead of backtracking which is what you are supposed to do, we kept walking, thinking we would find where we needed to go.  45 minutes later we hadn't found it, but wound up close back to the place we had climbed. My partner wanted to head back the way we came because we would HAVE to cross the road, while I said we should go up. Thankfully he listened to me, as within a football field we found a cairn.  It was kinda nuts, since he walks quicker than me and he wasn't really checking in with me as to which way we should go.

The rest of the weekend (even before that?) he was short with me, which he never is. Not sure if it was the lack of caffeine, or the event, or something else. I am slow, and perhaps was much too slow that weekend. I'm also not very entertaining, and felt it. But as it turns out, I was also PMSing, so who knows what the reality was.

Oh, and I"m one of two health care proxies for my mom. So for this new facility I get to decide along with the other person if my mom should have a DNR. Lovely. The other person is a pain in the ass and isn't very communicative, so we'll see how this process goes. She's so sure she's right, and I'm researching. But she interacts with my sister and not me. Stupid. Grrrrr...

In any event, going this weekend to Sonora pass for Pacific Crest Trail work. I'm actually cooking, as I can't imagine being able to work at 10,000 feet. We'll see if I can even cook! Had a headache from Monday night until this morning... so hopefully I'll be ok.

hysteria

I was on the verge of hysteria tonight. Why? Because my $1 dish brush is missing.

Yep, I'm nuts. At least, that's what I'm afraid of.

See, the thing is, things keep disappearing.
My aluminum bowl.
A plastic ladle
A nice pot
My yoga mat
My dish brush

They aren't in the house. Well, anywhere I looked. And I've been trying to let them all go. I mean, the yoga mat could have been left at the gym. Um... the others?

And I've been pushing off the idea that someone is coming in to steal random things. (Is it happening?  Should I get the locks changed?) And my roommate says she hasn't seen them.

So the next conclusion is that I'm nuts. I'm hiding them from myself. Or... I don't know. Just something that makes me nuts.

M likes to say that he lives alone and loses stuff and would love to blame it on someone else, but of course it's him.

Sigh.

So I had some alcohol and feel better.  But it's hot here...

psychiatry

So, I went for my psych appointment last week. I have to go regularly to touch base. I've been thinking of getting off the depression meds since I'm doing pretty damn well and my life is stable. And perhaps adjusting my lamotragine because I still have a bit of a swing. A tiny bit.  In this place a much more experience doctor comes in regularly for each client to touch base. So, I ask him whether if I wanted to try it, should I increase or decrease the amount?  He just says "no clue".

And that my friends is psychiatry. It's a guessing game since every person reacts differently. I asked my current doctor/student if that drives him nuts, and he said no, because it's like an art. And besides, he says, modern medicine was at one point at this stage. Which is an interesting concept.

But it still sucks when you want to have things work the way they should.

Nekked Bike Ride

So Saturday was World Nekked Bike Ride day. I was going to go volunteer again with Habitat, but it was a gorgeous day and I had read about this a year or two ago and thought it would be interesting to do... So I went!

The meeting time was supposedly 10:30. I got there around then, and there was one guy who was obviously a participant. How did I know?  He was stark naked, painted all over (and I mean *all*) with a zebra stripe pattern, and some fake ears on the top of his head. Just standing there waiting. Along with the - no joke- at least 25 photographers.

No way in hell was I going to take anything off with such odds. So I waited to see if others would show up. A couple people rode up but I could never really tell whether they were potential participants. Started yakking with one guy about how we weren't going to take it off with so many photographers, and another guy with 1970's big plastic rimmed glasses rode up and asked where everyone was. We didn't know. His comment: well, I guess it's hippy dippy time then - it'll get started at 12:00or 12:30.

Then finally another woman showed up. She saw me and my friend talking and came over. We all yakked some, and she said something like she wouldn't mind showing off her breasts, since she had a $21k boob job. She got it for $7k because she worked as a masseuse, and the doctor figured that her clients would be interested in a such a job, and he apparently was right. So, she had to show them off, so she lifted her shirt and showed them to my friend and me, and several of the photographers.  And they were GREAT. I mean, you really couldn't tell. Which is amazing. But she pulled her shirt down again (and we heard a collective 'awwwww..'  kidding).

I was sort of desperate to get at least half naked because I had so looked forward to it. 21k boob job woman lent me a gauzy scarf and I figured I'd go over to a place were there really weren't photographers, though it was still a meeting space. How did I know? The organizer was there. I knew he was participating because he only had on a cheetah pattern p&b cover. And he was excited to be there.

So I figured I'd sneak on by... but as soon as I took my top off zoom they headed towards me. It sucked. So, I sat down and hunched and tried to be invisible. But, that sucked, so I put my top back on, and waited to see if more people would come, or at least more women. I felt stupid with a gauzy scarf over my face. 

In the meantime my friend had stripped down to a minor piece of elastic that held up a P&B cover. And a bandana. So I went and said hi. Then chatted with another guy stark naked next to his bike. A guy came  up with a bandana and a big camera, and had a little gauzy thing on. He had to cover up because he almost got recognized last year. But he was willing to show off his p elastic thing which had dangly colored balls that he could shake.

I stood around a little and a guy with a vest and a gauzy thing on stood by me and said 'may I compliment you on your lovely breasts?' Sure. So we chat and he talked about growing up in an orphanage, and one day in the dorms he had all his clothes off. A priest apparently pointed at a statue of the virgin mary, and said that she would not want to see him that way. And then he says to me 'I found out later that the virgin mary has seen much worse.'

Another woman showed up, and I said hi to her. She started stripping down and didn't really care about the photographers. My 21k boob job friend had taken off her shirt. So I pulled out a shirt and put it over my face like a bandana and took off my shirt.It was a little weird because it hung down and covered me some, but hey I did it. For a little bit at least. I did get a photo with my original friend who was now stark naked, with bandana. It's so odd. And I did get a close up shot of the dangly p thing (which actually I had originally thought were M&M's !!)

People were really polite and nice and yes, weird. But it was fun. I couldn't ignore the creeps and all the cameras which was a shame, but I'm glad I went. I had to leave to go have lunch anyway with my 80-year old climbing friend, whose only comment when I told him what I was doing beforehand was - make sure you wear a helmet!

San Francisco History

San Franciscans dance to the tune
of "Homelessness by the Bay"
on the retro jukebox
with their eyes closed:
in spite of all City Hall's
boasts and toasts
we still have the highest
percentage of homelss
people per population
of any city in the nation

It's 2013 and still
the drained and pained
unhoused batallions
of brokenhearted
shopping cart
soldiers come and go

It's still the same old song
with very little
being done about the wrong

George Wynn

Delayed reaction

I have such delayed reactions. Or maybe things just need time to sink deep into my psyche. My normal climbing partner won’t be able to climb with me in the fall. So I have to find a new one. Yet, I do have this fear about my physical ability getting in the way of most climbers (hence the delayed reaction comment – the guy who dumped me due to my health issues). Climbers are hard core out here!  And I fear being the one responsible since what if I make a mistake?  I’ve been so spoiled – friends with a guy  who has planning in his DNA – and knows tons of places/things to do. How do you find people who are at your same level or who are willing to be patient with you?  Skiiing – I don’t like to go fast and most people do. Biking – I am scared to go over big logs. Climbing – I have to eat regularly, and I get stupid at the end of a day. Have only done one long climb in my life. I am slow. Hiking – not in the best shape (OK, that one I can do something about). But doing things alone – though I can do them – it’s indeed more fun to do things with other people.  I love the outdoors, but not sure how motivated I am to be the driving force to push someone out there. Or even to push myself out there by myself. I’ll get over this likely, but in a weird place right now. When I talk with potential climbing partners, do I say what my limitations are… or try to just take care of them without making it a big deal?  If I ignore my limitations maybe they won’t exist?  I managed to do a big long climb, which I never thought I could. BUT if my friend hadn’t known the rap down… I would have been in deep crap. I’m good at a lot of things and do well given my limitations. I’m not really great at any one thing – I’m good.  Oh, and I’ve lost a little bit of desire for the radio station since there’s a guy there who went NUTS over me and it’s gotten weird – I tried so hard to maintain a friendship but I may have just reached my limit. 

There is also the whole bipolar 2 thing – which I’m tired of dealing with even though it’s so much better it’s never completely gone. And the fact that I might end up like my mom. Who will want all this shit?  And more importantly, how do I take care of myself when all this shit hits the fan?

OK, ending in a high note… um… helped out at the Habitate ReStore and it was fun. I like to be useful. And make sure stuff gets reused. And Habitat has funds for building affordable housing.

You reached out for the one you tried to destroy

Happy Tuesday!  Had a great weekend. Hanging out, eating, a little climbing, beautiful weather, tide pools. Down by Morro Bay. If I weren't so lazy I'd upload a photo to here. Maybe later. And, oh, it turns out that it makes me more attractive to M if some other guy wants to date me. Interesting. My mantra with him is forgive but don't forget. So I'll have fun. But given my last year... there's a space deep inside that noone's getting to any time soon. If ever? There's a part of me that wonders if I should even be there, because therein lies insecurities and a different way of acting. If I am comfortable with myself and stand up for myself but am not obnoxious, then do I ever really open myself up for devastation? Not sure. How do you open yourself up but not lose yourself?

BTW, starting now to think about what 2 other friends and I are going to do for our 50th in 3 years... We're gonna do something fun!

Dumped

Not surprisingly, I was dumped on Tuesday morning. Via email of all things. Can't spend his life worrying about whether or not I'll get sick. I have too many health issues. (I'm assuming he means getting migraines, having bipolar 2, and having herpes - the trifecta).  It's a first. The first time I've been dumped because of physical limitations. It tore a hole in me for a little bit, but then realized I feel free again. I don't need to worry about what someone else is thinking of me, of being open enough, sexy enough, smart enough, strong enough, healthy enough.

I will miss him though. Marvellously complex man with an amazing body, and younger than me! I knew though from the one short hike we did that I couldn't keep up with him, so in the end it's good it ended now. Because he would have broken my heart any later. As it is now, I'm just sad. I would love to have gotten to know him better, and to see what I could become alongside him.

And, it created that break with M that I needed, that we needed. He told me last night that he felt kicked in the stomach when he found out I was dating - even though he said he was fine he wasn't. But then again, felt really sad for me when he found out I was dumped. So, maybe we can be friends for real. He did say basically that he could relate to the guy since he thought essentially the same thing when he was younger. Even with me he didn't really like it much but could deal. Ah, that's my M... always open and blunt. And perhaps there's hope for the other guy 15 years from now.

updater

Well, how about you go away for a weekend to the mountains to relax with your date, and after hiking for 35 minutes you realize you're getting a headache, and want to stop, but don't. So at the last 10 minutes before the car a migraine just blows your body away such that you throw up 3 times and get so weak you have to sit down. (and a dog comes by and tries to eat your vomit, also). Ah yes, that's what I call making memories. And throw up 3 more times after getting into the car (but managed to get out of the car to do so). And throw up three or four times in the car to the hotel that you suddenly have to stay in instead of a campground. And throw up about 6-7 times in the hotel before and after collapsing into bed. Ah, that's what I call a pleasant Saturday.

Yes, that was lovely. And Sunday I kinda had a different headache all day.

So I guess I'm not so perfect after all.

I am coming to hate that first glow of a relationship. Ah, everything is sunshine and rainbows, until it's not. And then what happens? Reality. Making it through reality is the hard part. Not sure it will happen with this one, but at least I don't have my entire heart invested in it! M knows that there's another boy - his biggest concern is that Billy be treated well!  Written only semi-jokingly.

All this time goes by and that's all I write?  Yep!!!  I gotta go visit y'all.  (The problem is that I don't get on this computer too much anymore...and likely I"ve already said that...)

Damn those Girl Scouts!

I have just eaten 3 samoas.  It's not like they've really gotten better over the years, but they are right in front of my face. I gotta put them away. Damn my sister too!

My sister, nieces, brother and sister-in-law came to visit for a week. They left yesterday, and it was really sad to see them go. Only a few minor family hiccups, so overall we had a great time. Monterrey Bay Aquarium, Fort Funston, Golden Gate Park, Muir Woods, Alcatraz, cable car, Chinatown. Whew!  It's great to have a great area to show off. I drove everyone around, and was happy doing so. I even got half a day of the rental minivan cost returned because when they asked me how my experience was, I told them about when we picked it up (waited a relatively long time for them to clean it, then it wasn't really clean, then had to wait for gas...)

As for other parts of my life... well... I guess I'm dating?  I've stumbled into an exclusive 'relationship'?  Sigh. I'll admit it someday. I'm trying to balance checking in with myself to make sure I'm ok with it with thinking too much about it. Being scared and being realistic. Being excited and being dependent. Sigh. At least he's a patient guy, and seemingly very excited. And, best yet, NOT a climber!  Woo hoo!  It's about time. He is athletic, but just in other things. And I've told him I don't want to climb with him. I want to keep a separation.

So, now I have to follow my own wisdom and tell M - and if he chooses to not talk to me after that, his loss. Sigh.

But in the end I think it's a good thing.  :-)

Selectively Neglected

Ah yes, it's been a while. Missed you all! And at least one of you missed me, since she had to call and get an update on my life rather than read this blog. ;-)  It's all a plot on my end to get phone calls. Ha.

But her comment was, well life must be going well since you haven't written on your blog. Hmm.. That's mostly true. Thing is, I get things in my head I want to talk about/write about, but I can't do it at work anymore. Gone are the days when I wasted a lot of time at work to vomit out my feelings.  And evenings have been busy - I've chosen other things to focus on for the moment.

Work is going really well. I had a trip for work, and that went great. It was nice to be seen out of my normal context, which at the moment is still at a lower level than I would like. My boss is great. My coworkers are great. And life is overall great. The one bad thing at the moment is my mom is starting to get aggressive. It's so sad to have that happen when she's been so calm and nice her whole life. I don't have to experience it in person and I truly thank god for that. We'll try to figure something out that's not medication, at least in the beginning.

I did see an old friend on my trip, who I haven't seen in 10 years. So nice to just jump right in. She's one of those women too who just have men pop up when one is out the door. It's nuts. I'm struggling to keep my distance and still get to know some guys.

I just had one guy say to me yesterday how he would like to know if there's even a chance for something in the future. There was of course a longer story, and he wasn't pushing (at least intentionally). I appreciated him being willing (and able!) to say what was on his mind. I was upset initially because I thought he wasn't going to to want to speak with me ever again. I was very flustered, and babbled, but eventually stopped speaking. I was glad I stopped speaking, as I may have started promising something I don't want to deliver on. I truly don't want a relationship right now, but then again, I want to get to know great people. Seems like I can't have it both, but we'll see. As I was talking with my roommate, I realized all I can do is be honest about where I am, and if he, for instance, chooses to do something or nothing because of that, well, that's his choice. And I have to be true to myself and not promise something just to keep people in my life.

It pisses me off sometimes that getting to know guys always comes with the relationship tag, but that's the way of the world.

It's funny that he and other people see me as being so positive and outgoing. Maybe I'm beginning to become a new me? I have to be sure I don't continue to argue with them and say that's not me. "Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they are yours."  

Homeless poetry

I went to a show on Thursday night - music. Thollem Mcdonas and an amazing drummer, improvising. Really incredible. See his site. Fingers flying and such a grasp of music.

Outside the venue there was a homeless woman selling Street Spirit - "Justice News and Homeless Blues in the Bay Area". So I bought one.

The whole issue is poetry, and some is pretty damn good. I'm going to periodically post some.  Here's one:

Scapegoats
by Joan Clair

"Their transgressions, even all their sins...he shall put upon the head of the goat and shall send him away into the wilderness."  -- Leviticus

I feel the weight of collective sin in the soup
kitchen, not to be escaped on the crushed
shoulders of those eating silntly there,
eathing the lie they have nothing to share,
a bread so heavy it hasn't the leaven
to lift thier souls to a new have.
I smell wafts of scapegoats in the air.
And there are those who would do more
than allow a few to feed
the bodies and souls of those in need.
To solve the plight of those they want unseen
they'd drive them entirly out of sight
from their solitary ghettos
into the wilderness
bearing all our sins.

Building a trail

So that's the before and after (not exactly the same place, but you get the idea. A lot of work, but a lot of fun!  That pile of rocks is the basis for the small rock wall I built. So much fun. And then it was covered in dirt.

Stay on the outside layer

So, writing before I go do trail work because I can't get it out of my head. Perseveration!!!

I just think that it's best for me to maintain the glossy exterior of someone who is kind, pleasant, intelligent, etc. Don't go any deeper to see the insecurities, the social mistakes, etc.

Work:
- Got to know one woman, who is outgoing towards everyone, and in a nice way. Not rough around the edges like me. Peeking through the glass to see if the pizza guy came for the group lunch yesterday, I kept peeking. She was in front of me and looked at me like 'what you doing girl? are you nuts' (in a nice, funny way). I just made a comment that I was trying to see down her shirt. Now, if I were a guy, she could sue me. It wasn't really funny. I don't know why I said it. To be crass? I guess. The guy next to me was like 'what?'.
- Wrote a reply to an email that was copied to tons of people catching someone on a very nitpicky point, when it could have easily been just ignored. Great introduction to all these people.
- Was negative twice in the group presentation. Why do I need to be negative?

I don't need to let to let the Jersey out. It's ok if she stays in.

Personal:
- get a little closer to someone, and start the negative interpretations. Actually I have started doing that even at work. I need to stop.

I'll blame it all on the fact that I haven't climbed in 2 weeks. Sigh. Wish I could.

OK, off to do trail work.

All the things I didn't say

I may get really addicted to Twitter when I get my iPhone (free from work... white I think, not black).  I have all these random thoughts in my head as the day goes around, and I don't write them down, though I want to. Not sure how interesting any of them are, but maybe they are. Just as interesting as this first paragraph I bet.

Life is calm. Too calm.  Where's all the chaos? The stress? The anxiety?  Lordy... life is weird without craziness. I have to make sure I still do stuff... and I will. Though I haven't climbed in a whole 2 weeks. Nuts. No way to clear my head.

Um, how would YOU react if a guy makes a reference to spooning on a ping pong table?

Let's see, what else....

All my wittiness has left the building. I even forget what I wanted to say when I signed in!!!

Oh, I give up. I have pizza brain coma fuzziness.

Weekend getaway

So, M cancelled last-minute-ish to come visit this weekend, so I decided to go north young woman. I know someone who lives up there and was going to meet up for lunch, but that got cancelled too. So, just drove. Ish.

I had heard of Healdsburg from a co-worker. It's quieter than Napa, but just as nice. And it was. I stopped by one tasting room to ask about where to eat and the woman pointed me to the Wurst Place. YUM. Really nice guy who was apparently in some metal band a while back started this place a couple years ago. I know the latter because he was going around saying hello and chatting with everyone, not just me the single, alone woman. He pointed me back inside to the condiment table, where he had homemade mustards and ketchups and sauces. So many there wasn't enough Wurst to try them with!  And Sprecher root beer. Mmmm...

[on a side note, it's interesting to be asked why I moved out here. I think I've gotten it down to a well-practiced eye roll and that I moved here with someone and now he lives in S. Cal and I live here]

Found the Goodwill store and bought a few albums. I'm starting to really collect old children's albums. Someday I'll do a show using them.

Went back to the tasting room to thank the woman, and she gave me some free tastings (these days they costs money...). Which I didn't really want since I was feeling a little out of sorts, but took them anyway. Seems I don't really like red dessert wine. But I did buy some chocolates so I felt better, plus she was a great saleswoman - for YOU, $5. With no price on it. But truly she was very very nice.

Then went up north to Clear Lake. I wanted to see Mendocino National Forest too and maybe sleep there. But I ran across a wood carving place (chainsaw). So stopped. I've wanted a chainsaw bear for a long time, and I figured I'd see what was up. Well, the people were very nice, but the sculptures were all shiny with protective coating. Yucky. The one they had which wasn't so shiny was nice, but didn't grab me. It was only after I saw a small bear in the corner that I realized what it was. The sculptures had no soul. The small one in the corner wasn't for sale - it was done by a carver who had retired. IT had soul.  But I did like the redwood trees the woman made out of redwood, so I got one. Billy the giant.

Ran across another thrift store and got more albums, including some guy narrating Aesop's Fables - a guy saw me get that one and mentioned that it's a great album.  :-)  And then found a Smothers Brothers recording of Aesop Fables to go with it.

Found the campsite in the National Forest. On the way, there was a big honkin' lot of turkeys. I thought they were wild turkeys, but maybe not?  Just free-range?  There were a bunch across the road too. I have never seen so many turkeys in one place.

BTW, I have found that when I'm looking for a place, I always seem to stop just short of where I'm supposed to be, thinking that I've gone too far and should have been there already. And usually I'm wrong and just need to go a little further.

Turns out this area is for off-road dirtbike riding. There were all those people, and then me. I just parked my car in a spot and slept in it. 8pm, asleep. Just stayed there until it was light out. And got up to 29 degree weather. Wooooo! Drove off into the sunrise and up the mountain to get the view of Clear Lake.

The rest of Sunday I drove a bit all around. I stopped at Clear Lake State Park, really nice (again, thought I should have been there already, turned around, asked directions, and I should have just kept going). And had been referred to the Brick BBQ in Kelseyville, but unfortunately it was closed. The biker bar was open and the bartender told me, once she was done helping all her regulars, at 12:00 noon.  :-)  (Below is a B&B at Clear Lake where your room is a railroad car! There's about 6 at least.)

So I drove off, and out of the mountain I had to stop and rest. I was getting a migraine. So I stopped the side of the road, took two ibuprofins, leaned my seat back, and slept for an hour. It really helped. I just hung out in Calistoga for a bit (cool town!) and drove down through central Napa Valley at the exact wrong time of day (5:00 pm - when the wineries close). But the sun was shining and the blooms were blooming and it was really pretty.

No deep thoughts really. Except that I was glad to enjoy time with myself and have the freedom to do what I wanted. Of course, it wasn't like I wasn't sharing it, since I talked with M a couple times, but you know, it's nice to meet random new people and see new places. Will do it more...

How lucky I am

When I sat with my current boss to talk about details of bringing me on board, one thing I mentioned was a dr's appointment I have this Thursday. His first immediate reaction was 'let's make sure your health insurance starts as soon as possible then."

I helped the building manager edit a safety brochure that he had put together. He gave me a gift card for a wine store nearby. And this is a man who bought me something I desperately needed at Office Max on Friday, which he just considered to be part of his job (ish).

How nice.

humming

This was meant to be a longer post, but I had two phone calls tonight - catching up with two friends. And had to watch Beasts of the Southern Wild. Not at all what I expected, but of course wonderful. I can't believe they weren't actors beforehand. Amazing. There's an element I don't understand, but I'll ask my roommate, since I don't want to spoil it for you....

Sitting on the balcony yesterday, in the sun, talking to a friend, my feet up on the railing, ankles crossed, so there's a gap between my thighs. A hummingbird flew over and hovered under my legs, looking at me through the gap. For at least a couple seconds. Soooo cool.

I'll have to write more later...

Moving forward, looking back

Did I write that I figured out I should say those things to myself in the sauna?  Be upbeat?  Make it so, so to speak? Well, I will.

The week flies by when  you have to work 8 hours a day. Imagine that...  I had glimpses today that I might not be happy with this long term.  How does it help disadvantaged people?  Uh, not much. Except me of course. Hm... have I ever mentioned that that's what I've done? Maybe not. Oh well.

I'm learning to rebound. My friend said that I am sometimes a funpyre.  Meaning I suck the fun out of people. Yeah, sounds nasty, but unfortunately I know he's right. Ugh. I mean, it's part of why M needed to leave. I think of it more like I  get stuck in this hole of yuckiness and people come near and it rubs off on them. Kinda like trying to bounce a ball on a sticky mat?  Not sure of the best comparison. But I understand, as my brother is that way. It's hard to have energy around him as he rarely has any and kinda sucks it out of you. I never ever thought I was the same, but I am sometimes. I can't hate my friend for saying it. Though, I didn't get him a card because of it. And, well, I"m a bit self conscious around him.

In any event, doing a show this weekend and it'll be fun. Gonna try music I never would listen to on my own, and see where it takes me.  Wheeee!!!!!



Believe it or not, but there's two cats there.

So maybe there is something to say.

Replaying the day today. The things I said that I am not happy about. The aggressiveness, supposedly playful, coming out. Dammit! 1) it's not good to replay. or if you do 2) don't obsess. I have to remember that I have a chance to reinvent myself. I don't have to be the snarky one I don't have to be domineering. I can do things in a team. I can be supportive. I can be patient. And kind. And detail oriented.  All of these things. Just take a few damn deep breaths once in a while dammit.

Beginnings

I started my new job on Friday. Yay! Not much to say except that the days fly by now. And not in a bad way. I just have to get used to this new schedule.

I watched the movie Beginners last night. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's quite good.

I read the book Body Surfing. I think I may have read it before. It's weird to not remember.

I made a new dish tonight which was quite good. Simple except for the frying the tofu part:

1 block extra firm tofu
3 leaves of italian (curly) kale [likely not the real name]
3/4-1 c. broccoli florets (frozen) cut into smaller pieces
1/2 c. frozen peas
Cayenne pepper adn white pepper
olive oil
sliced havarti cheese

Press some water out of tofu (you can look up how to do that). Cut lengthwise into 1/2 in widths. I had 7 pieces. Put into 1-2TB olive oil in medium/med high heat. Cook, flipping when needed so both sides get brown (takes a while - 15 min?  or more?)

In the meantime, cut the kale thinly, including the stem. Put in pan w/ 1 TB or less olive oil.Cook a bit, and then give up and throw in the broccoli florets and peas. Dash some cayenne pepper and white pepper on it. Be careful not to inhale the cayenne like me.  Stir until cooked.

Put half a slice of cheese on the piece of tofu (perfect fit). Let melt a little. Put tofu slices on plate. Put vegetables on top and eat.

I wanted green, and got it... It really was quite good. Sorry I'm not more specific.

Ta dah!

Oh, there's so much to write about!

Movies: I just finished watching Drive. I've been meaning to, and I really really liked it. A bit of gore, so beware. Did I mentioned I watched Cabin in the Woods?  Excellent. And I"m not a horror movie fan.

Books: I just discovered Nick Hornby recently. A Long Way Down was the name. It's British humor so not for all, but I thought it was quite funny, despite it being about suicide!  Just finished Those Who Save Us by Jenna Blum - the story of a woman and her mother, and what her mother did during the war in Germany to survive and what her daughter is trying to find out. A quote that stood out:  Each person has this choice to make about how they live with the past, this dignity, this inviolable right.

Radio: I did a show last week, and apparently it's the first time I've really sounded like myself. I had a lot of uh;s though. So the trick now is to have fewer uhs and still be like myself. I even had a caller who asked about a song. woo hoo!  I also did another training last night but this time I helped out with the stuff that was being recorded. I was in a band for an evening!!! It was so much fun. There was a drummer, a bass player, and there was a keyboard that I played. All improv. Once we did a bit with that configuration, the bass player got the drums, the drummer got the keyboard, another guy came in for the bass, and I sang! One set I basically sang all the labels on the 7inch collection - like the old library shelves - so A-Ass, etc. One cute one: God-Heaven. Everyone had a lot of fun, and they saved the recording. And I have it. Pretty damn cool.

So SF is in the Superbowl. I stopped by a bar today to see the last quarter. A LOT of die hard fans. It was so loud and so funny. I had to high five some guy - he demanded it.  :-)  Then I went and watched NE/Baltimore for a bit at a bar. I'm so glad Baltimore won! This was after getting up early and going to check out the Mavericks Invitational at Half Moon Bay. It was in the mid-60's there!

And, in the end, the two interviews went ok and not amazing, and I haven't heard anything, so I'm working at my temp place. And, it's so weird to have that weight lifted from me. I've been looking for a job for two years - all that time and effort. And now... I don't have to.  I went out to have a treat after the interviews, and had this: AMAZING.  Sour cream mouse with blueberry compote in the middle on a lemon cookie crust thing covered in white chocolate with tthree blueberries and a ribbon of chocolate somehow turned blue.

It looks a bit surreal.

OK, I"m going to bed... after reading some.

huh

It's really hard for me to be honest with myself. But when I am, I know I am being so. So, I don't really want to date heavily (what does that mean?) because I like my non-relationship with M of talking every day. That's all I really need and want right now is some daily connection. I'm not like a friend of mine who needs to cuddle with someone and have the physical connection. Yes, I know it's not healthy. And it's not perhaps being good to myself. But it's what I want right now, be it a crutch or insecurity or whatever. I suppose I could go back to blogging every day, but I've kinda gotten used to interacting with human beings. Not that you aren't...but still. I have to eventually be ok with that 'relationship' ending because life will truly go on. But not yet.

A friend told me about a three stooges or groucho marx skit in which he was going door to door. He goes to one door, it opens, and he asks the person, 'so, are you married or are you happy?'. It's apropos since I chatted with a friend who has been with her husband for a very long time.Not incredibly happy, but keeps along with it because it's easier. She's fully aware of what she's doing. Having just written the paragraph above, I don't consider it pathetic. It's a choice.

Speaking of choice, I have not yet made my choice. I'm a big Aunt Jemima waffle, except I'm white. Oh, wait, does she only do syrup? I now have two interviews on Tuesday. I am actually at this very moment leaning towards the not so challenging one that's near my house so I can continue to have more free time to do things like climbing and radio -I've gotten quite used to it. But we'll see.

Speaking of radio, I'm starting to learn how to set up for live shows in the radio station. How to position mics, etc. It was a small training group last night, and it was good to get to know some people. I get shy and quiet with a big group, but I was very energetic last night (and so sometimes begs the question of is it me or is it my condition getting me out?). It was fun...

OK, I'm gonna make like a baby, and put an egg in my shoe, act like a tree, and all that.

New Year!

Happy New Year!  2013, what a concept.

I had a very nice time back east. My nieces are so grown up!!! Especially the younger one. They both are beauties, in different ways.  And well, my mom. She had a rough time when we were first there. She was getting confused about who was who - called me a boy occasionally (looking at photos) and I also came to be known as 'the one who doesn't visit very often'. Sigh. Of course one brother built on that and said it's been 15 years! She had enough presence of mind at one point to know that was not true. So, she had her ups and downs. When she's up, I feel bad that she's now in memory care - she doesn't seem to belong. When she's down, I'm glad she's there. It's so hard. And makes me scared for my future. I have to look into long term health care insurance.  Either that or move to Oregon before I get too old.

I worked at a temp job before I left - way below my abilities and so they loved me (wait, did I already write that?). They asked for me back, and now they've offered me a job. Offered to let me define what it will be. Selling it to me. I feel like there's a little devil there... 'take me' - excellent benefits but not at all related to my career . I applied for another job that is much more suited to my career and have an interview on the 15th, and don't feel I can make a decision before then. But I might end up working there. There are worse things in life!!!

So, I looked and I had already written about most of that, oh well. New news is that I had a really nice gift for M that I did with his sister. I ran into the UPS man on the street on the way to the UPS store. I asked him if I should go to UPS or USPS. He said USPS. So I went. Insured. And found out that insured does not mean tracking, since it never arrived. PIMFA!!!! So sad. What sucks almost worse is that there's intellectual property of mine that someone now has. CRAP.

OK, I wanted to write longer, but I'm going to go get advice from people on my job stuff. Or at least get some ideas. Though I do already know what my way forward is. So, there.